He struggled to the end of his speech in exhaustion and let his head sink.
"Oh, that's not it, that's not it," Sonia cried in distress. "How could one…
no, that's not right, not right."
"You see yourself that it's not right. But I've spoken truly, it's the truth."
"As though that could be the truth! Good God!"
"I've only killed a louse, Sonia, a useless, loathsome, harmful creature."
"A human being– a louse!"
"I too know it wasn't a louse," he answered, looking strangely at her. "But I
am talking nonsense, Sonia," he added. "I've been talking nonsense a long time….
That's not it, you are right there. There were quite, quite other causes for it!
I haven't talked to anyone for so long, Sonia…. My head aches dreadfully now."
His eyes shone with feverish brilliance. He was almost delirious; an uneasy smile
strayed on his lips. His terrible exhaustion could be seen through his excitement.
Sonia saw how he was suffering. She too was growing dizzy. And he talked so strangely;
it seemed somehow comprehensible, but yet… "But how, how! Good God!" And she wrung
her hands in despair.
"No, Sonia, that's not it," he began again suddenly, raising his head, as though
a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it were roused him– "that's
not it! Better… imagine– yes, it's certainly better– imagine that I am vain, envious,
malicious, base, vindictive and… well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity. (Let's
have it all out at once! They've talked of madness already, I noticed.) I told you
just now I could not keep myself at the university. But do you know that perhaps
I might have done? My mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I
could have earned enough for clothes, boots and food, no doubt. Lessons had turned
up at half a rouble. Razumihin works! But I turned sulky and wouldn't. (Yes, sulkiness,
that's the right word for it!) I sat in my room like a spider. You've been in my
den, you've seen it…. And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp
the soul and the mind? Ah, how I hated that garret! And yet I wouldn't go out of
it! I wouldn't on purpose! I didn't go out for days together, and I wouldn't work,
I wouldn't even eat, I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything,
I ate it, if she didn't, I went all day without; I wouldn't ask, on purpose, from
sulkiness! At night I had no light, I lay in the dark and I wouldn't earn money
for candles. I ought to have studied, but I sold my books; and the dust lies an
inch thick on the notebooks on my table. I preferred lying still and thinking. And
I kept thinking…. And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no
need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that… No, that's not it! Again I am
telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid that if
others are stupid– and I know they are– yet I won't be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia,
that if one waits for every one to get wiser it will take too long…. Afterwards
I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won't change and that
nobody can alter it and that it's not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that's
so. That's the law of their nature, Sonia,… that's so!… And I know now, Sonia, that
whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly
daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among
them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till
now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!"
Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, he no longer cared whether
she understood or not. The fever had complete hold of him; he was in a sort of gloomy
ecstasy (he certainly had been too long without talking to anyone). Sonia felt that
his gloomy creed had become his faith and code.
"I divined then, Sonia," he went on eagerly, "that power is only vouchsafed to
the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needful:
one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my
mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one! I saw clear as daylight
how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the
daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I… I wanted to
have the daring… and I killed her. I only wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That
was the whole cause of it!"
"Oh hush, hush," cried Sonia, clasping her hands. "You turned away from God and
God has smitten you, has given you over to the devil!"
"Then Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to
me, was it a temptation of the devil, eh?"
"Hush, don't laugh, blasphemer! You don't understand, you don't understand! Oh
God! He won't understand!"
"Hush, Sonia! I am not laughing. I know myself that it was the devil leading
me. Hush, Sonia, hush!" he repeated with gloomy insistence. "I know it all, I have
thought it all over and over and whispered it all over to myself, lying there in
the dark…. I've argued it all over with myself, every point of it, and I know it
all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I have kept wanting
to forget it and make a new beginning, Sonia, and leave off thinking. And you don't
suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool? I went into it like a wise man,
and that was just my destruction. And you mustn't suppose that I didn't know, for
instance, that if I began to question myself whether I had the right to gain power–
I certainly hadn't the right– or that if I asked myself whether a human being is
a louse it proved that it wasn't so for me, though it might be for a man who would
go straight to his goal without asking questions…. If I worried myself all those
days, wondering whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I felt clearly of course
that I wasn't Napoleon. I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia,
and I longed to throw it off: I wanted to murder without casuistry, to murder for
my own sake, for myself alone! I didn't want to lie about it even to myself. It
wasn't to help my mother I did the murder– that's nonsense– I didn't do the murder
to gain wealth and power and to become a benefactor of mankind. Nonsense! I simply
did it; I did the murder for myself, for myself alone, and whether I became a benefactor
to others, or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking the
life out of men, I couldn't have cared at that moment…. And it was not the money
I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It was not so much the money I wanted, but something
else…. I know it all now…. Understand me! Perhaps I should never have committed
a murder again. I wanted to find out something else; it was something else led me
on. I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else
or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick
up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right…"
"To kill? Have the right to kill?" Sonia clasped her hands.
"Ach, Sonia!" he cried irritably and seemed about to make some retort, but was
contemptuously silent. "Don't interrupt me, Sonia. I want to prove one thing only,
that the devil led me on then and he has shown me since that I had not the right
to take that path, because I am just such a louse as all the rest. He was mocking
me and here I've come to you now! Welcome your guest! If I were not a louse, should
I have come to you? Listen: when I went then to the old woman's I only went to try….
You may be sure of that!"
"And you murdered her!"
"But how did I murder her? Is that how men do murders? Do men go to commit a
murder as I went then? I will tell you some day how I went! Did I murder the old
woman? I murdered myself, not her! I crushed myself once for all, for ever…. But
it was the devil that killed that old woman, not I. Enough, enough, Sonia, enough!
Let me be!" he cried in a sudden spasm of agony, "let me be!"
He leaned his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands as in a
"What suffering!" A wail of anguish broke from Sonia.
"Well, what am I to do now?" he asked, suddenly raising his head and looking
at her with a face hideously distorted by despair.
"What are you to do?" she cried, jumping up, and her eyes that had been full
of tears suddenly began to shine. "Stand up!" (She seized him by the shoulder, he
got up, looking at her almost bewildered.) "Go at once, this very minute, stand
at the cross-roads, bow down, first kiss the earth which you have defiled and then
bow down to all the world and say to all men aloud, 'I am a murderer!' Then God
will send you life again. Will you go, will you go?" she asked him, trembling all
over, snatching his two hands, squeezing them tight in hers and gazing at him with
eyes full of fire.
He was amazed at her sudden ecstasy.
"You mean Siberia, Sonia? I must give myself up?" he asked gloomily.
"Suffer and expiate your sin by it, that's what you must do."
"No! I am not going to them, Sonia!"
"But how will you go on living? What will you live for?" cried Sonia, "how is
it possible now? Why, how can you talk to your mother? (Oh, what will become of
them now!) But what am I saying? You have abandoned your mother and your sister
already. He has abandoned them already! Oh, God!" she cried, "why, he knows it all
himself. How, how can he live by himself! What will become of you now?"
"Don't be a child, Sonia," he said softly. "What wrong have I done them? Why
should I go to them? What should I say to them? That's only a phantom…. They destroy
men by millions themselves and look on it as a virtue. They are knaves and scoundrels,
Sonia! I am not going to them. And what should I say to them– that I murdered her,
but did not dare to take the money and hid it under a stone?" he added with a bitter
smile. "Why, they would laugh at me, and would call me a fool for not getting it.
A coward and a fool! They wouldn't understand and they don't deserve to understand.
Why should I go to them? I won't. Don't be a child, Sonia…."
"It will be too much for you to bear, too much!" she repeated, holding out her
hands in despairing supplication.
"Perhaps I've been unfair to myself," he observed gloomily, pondering, "perhaps
after all I am a man and not a louse and I've been in too great a hurry to condemn
myself. I'll make another fight for it."
A haughty smile appeared on his lips.
"What a burden to bear! And your whole life, your whole life!"
"I shall get used to it," he said grimly and thoughtfully. "Listen," he began
a minute later, "stop crying, it's time to talk of the facts: I've come to tell
you that the police are after me, on my track…."
"Ach!" Sonia cried in terror.
"Well, why do you cry out? You want me to go to Siberia and now you are frightened?
But let me tell you: I shall not give myself up. I shall make a struggle for it
and they won't do anything to me. They've no real evidence. Yesterday I was in great
danger and believed I was lost; but to-day things are going better. All the facts
they know can be explained two ways, that's to say I can turn their accusations
to my credit, do you understand? And I shall, for I've learnt my lesson. But they
will certainly arrest me. If it had not been for something that happened, they would
have done so to-day for certain; perhaps even now they will arrest me to-day…. But
that's no matter, Sonia; they'll let me out again… for there isn't any real proof
against me, and there won't be, I give you my word for it. And they can't convict
a man on what they have against me. Enough…. I only tell you that you may know….
I will try to manage somehow to put it to my mother and sister so that they won't
be frightened…. My sister's future is secure, however, now, I believe… and my mother's
must be too…. Well, that's all. Be careful, though. Will you come and see me in
prison when I am there?"
"Oh, I will, I will."
They sat side by side, both mournful and dejected, as though they had been cast
up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore. He looked at Sonia and felt how
great was her love for him, and strange to say he felt it suddenly burdensome and
painful to be so loved. Yes, it was a strange and awful sensation! On his way to
see Sonia he had felt that all his hopes rested on her; he expected to be rid of
at least part of his suffering, and now, when all her heart turned towards him,
he suddenly felt that he was immeasurably unhappier than before.
"Sonia," he said, "you'd better not come and see me when I am in prison."
Sonia did not answer, she was crying. Several minutes passed.
"Have you a cross on you?" she asked, as though suddenly thinking of it.
He did not at first understand the question.
"No, of course not. Here, take this one, of cypress wood. I have another, a copper
one that belonged to Lizaveta. I changed with Lizaveta: she gave me her cross and
I gave her my little ikon. I will wear Lizaveta's now and give you this. Take it…
it's mine! It's mine, you know," she begged him. "We will go to suffer together,
and together we will bear our cross!"
"Give it me," said Raskolnikov.
He did not want to hurt her feelings. But immediately he drew back the hand he
held out for the cross.
"Not now, Sonia. Better later," he added to comfort her.
"Yes, yes, better," she repeated with conviction, "when you go to meet your suffering,
then put it on. You will come to me, I'll put it on you, we will pray and go together."