Somebody else seems in trouble, too. You can hear his faint cries coming from
underneath your bed. Determining, at all events, to sell your life dearly, you struggle
frantically, hitting out right and left with arms and legs, and yelling lustily
the while, and at last something gives way, and you find your head in the fresh
air. Two feet off, you dimly observe a half-dressed ruffian, waiting to kill you,
and you are preparing for a life-and-death struggle with him, when it begins to
dawn upon you that it's Jim.
''Oh, it's you, is it?'' he says, recognising you at the same moment.
''Yes,'' you answer, rubbing your eyes; ''what's happened?''
''Bally tent's blown down, I think,'' he says.
Then you both raise up your voices and shout for ''Bill!'' and the ground beneath
you heaves and rocks, and the muffled voice that you heard before replies from out
''Get off my head, can't you?''
And Bill struggles out, a muddy, trampled wreck, and in an unnecessarily aggressive
mood – he being under the evident belief that the whole thing has been done on purpose.
In the morning you are all three speechless, owing to having caught severe colds
in the night; you also feel very quarrelsome, and you swear at each other in hoarse
whispers during the whole of breakfast time.
We therefore decided that we would sleep out on fine nights; and hotel it, and
inn it, and pub. it, like respectable folks, when it was wet, or when we felt inclined
for a change.
Montmorency hailed this compromise with much approval. He does not revel in romantic
solitude. Give him something noisy; and if a trifle low, so much the jollier. To
look at Montmorency you would imagine that he was an angel sent upon the earth,
for some reason withheld from mankind, in the shape of a small fox-terrier. There
is a sort of Oh-what-a-wicked– world-this-is-and-how-I-wish-I-could-do-something-to-make-it-better-and–
nobler expression about Montmorency that has been known to bring the tears into
the eyes of pious old ladies and gentlemen.
When first he came to live at my expense, I never thought I should be able to
get him to stop long. I used to sit down and look at him, as he sat on the rug and
looked up at me, and think: ''Oh, that dog will never live. He will be snatched
up to the bright skies in a chariot, that is what will happen to him.''
But, when I had paid for about a dozen chickens that he had killed; and had dragged
him, growling and kicking, by the scruff of his neck, out of a hundred and fourteen
street fights; and had had a dead cat brought round for my inspection by an irate
female, who called me a murderer; and had been summoned by the man next door but
one for having a ferocious dog at large, that had kept him pinned up in his own
tool-shed, afraid to venture his nose outside the door for over two hours on a cold
night; and had learned that the gardener, unknown to myself, had won thirty shillings
by backing him to kill rats against time, then I began to think that maybe they'd
let him remain on earth for a bit longer, after all.
To hang about a stable, and collect a gang of the most disreputable dogs to be
found in the town, and lead them out to march round the slums to fight other disreputable
dogs, is Montmorency's idea of ''life;'' and so, as I before observed, he gave to
the suggestion of inns, and pubs., and hotels his most emphatic approbation.
Having thus settled the sleeping arrangements to the satisfaction of all four
of us, the only thing left to discuss was what we should take with us; and this
we had begun to argue, when Harris said he'd had enough oratory for one night, and
proposed that we should go out and have a smile, saying that he had found a place,
round by the square, where you could really get a drop of Irish worth drinking.
George said he felt thirsty (I never knew George when he didn't); and, as I had
a presentiment that a little whisky, warm, with a slice of lemon, would do my complaint
good, the debate was, by common assent, adjourned to the following night; and the
assembly put on its hats and went out.
ARRANGEMENTS SETTLED. – HARRIS'S METHOD OF DOING WORK. – HOW THE ELDERLY, FAMILY-MAN
PUTS UP A PICTURE. – GEORGE MAKES A SENSIBLE, REMARK. – DELIGHTS OF EARLY MORNING
BATHING. – PROVISIONS FOR GETTING UPSET.
SO, on the following evening, we again assembled, to discuss and arrange our
plans. Harris said:
''Now, the first thing to settle is what to take with us. Now, you get a bit
of paper and write down, J., and you get the grocery catalogue, George, and somebody
give me a bit of pencil, and then I'll make out a list.''
That's Harris all over – so ready to take the burden of everything himself, and
put it on the backs of other people.
He always reminds me of my poor Uncle Podger. You never saw such a commotion
up and down a house, in all your life, as when my Uncle Podger undertook to do a
job. A picture would have come home from the frame– maker's, and be standing in
the dining-room, waiting to be put up; and Aunt Podger would ask what was to be
done with it, and Uncle Podger would say:
''Oh, you leave that to ME. Don't you, any of you, worry yourselves about that.
I'LL do all that.''
And then he would take off his coat, and begin. He would send the girl out for
sixpen'orth of nails, and then one of the boys after her to tell her what size to
get; and, from that, he would gradually work down, and start the whole house.
''Now you go and get me my hammer, Will,'' he would shout; ''and you bring me
the rule, Tom; and I shall want the step-ladder, and I had better have a kitchen-chair,
too; and, Jim! you run round to Mr. Goggles, and tell him, `Pa's kind regards, and
hopes his leg's better; and will he lend him his spirit-level?' And don't you go,
Maria, because I shall want somebody to hold me the light; and when the girl comes
back, she must go out again for a bit of picture-cord; and Tom! – where's Tom? –
Tom, you come here; I shall want you to hand me up the picture.''
And then he would lift up the picture, and drop it, and it would come out of
the frame, and he would try to save the glass, and cut himself; and then he would
spring round the room, looking for his handkerchief. He could not find his handkerchief,
because it was in the pocket of the coat he had taken off, and he did not know where
he had put the coat, and all the house had to leave off looking for his tools, and
start looking for his coat; while he would dance round and hinder them.
''Doesn't anybody in the whole house know where my coat is? I never came across
such a set in all my life – upon my word I didn't. Six of you! – and you can't find
a coat that I put down not five minutes ago! Well, of all the – ''
Then he'd get up, and find that he had been sitting on it, and would call out:
''Oh, you can give it up! I've found it myself now. Might just as well ask the
cat to find anything as expect you people to find it.''
And, when half an hour had been spent in tying up his finger, and a new glass
had been got, and the tools, and the ladder, and the chair, and the candle had been
brought, he would have another go, the whole family, including the girl and the
charwoman, standing round in a semi-circle, ready to help. Two people would have
to hold the chair, and a third would help him up on it, and hold him there, and
a fourth would hand him a nail, and a fifth would pass him up the hammer, and he
would take hold of the nail, and drop it.
''There!'' he would say, in an injured tone, ''now the nail's gone.''
And we would all have to go down on our knees and grovel for it, while he would
stand on the chair, and grunt, and want to know if he was to be kept there all the
The nail would be found at last, but by that time he would have lost the hammer.
''Where's the hammer? What did I do with the hammer? Great heavens! Seven of
you, gaping round there, and you don't know what I did with the hammer!''
We would find the hammer for him, and then he would have lost sight of the mark
he had made on the wall, where the nail was to go in, and each of us had to get
up on the chair, beside him, and see if we could find it; and we would each discover
it in a different place, and he would call us all fools, one after another, and
tell us to get down. And he would take the rule, and re-measure, and find that he
wanted half thirty-one and three-eighths inches from the corner, and would try to
do it in his head, and go mad.
And we would all try to do it in our heads, and all arrive at different results,
and sneer at one another. And in the general row, the original number would be forgotten,
and Uncle Podger would have to measure it again.
He would use a bit of string this time, and at the critical moment, when the
old fool was leaning over the chair at an angle of forty-five, and trying to reach
a point three inches beyond what was possible for him to reach, the string would
slip, and down he would slide on to the piano, a really fine musical effect being
produced by the suddenness with which his head and body struck all the notes at
the same time.
And Aunt Maria would say that she would not allow the children to stand round
and hear such language.
At last, Uncle Podger would get the spot fixed again, and put the point of the
nail on it with his left hand, and take the hammer in his right hand. And, with
the first blow, he would smash his thumb, and drop the hammer, with a yell, on somebody's
Aunt Maria would mildly observe that, next time Uncle Podger was going to hammer
a nail into the wall, she hoped he'd let her know in time, so that she could make
arrangements to go and spend a week with her mother while it was being done.
''Oh! you women, you make such a fuss over everything,'' Uncle Podger would reply,
picking himself up. ''Why, I LIKE doing a little job of this sort.''
And then he would have another try, and, at the second blow, the nail would go
clean through the plaster, and half the hammer after it, and Uncle Podger be precipitated
against the wall with force nearly sufficient to flatten his nose.
Then we had to find the rule and the string again, and a new hole was made; and,
about midnight, the picture would be up – very crooked and insecure, the wall for
yards round looking as if it had been smoothed down with a rake, and everybody dead
beat and wretched – except Uncle Podger.
''There you are,'' he would say, stepping heavily off the chair on to the charwoman's
corns, and surveying the mess he had made with evident pride. ''Why, some people
would have had a man in to do a little thing like that!''
Harris will be just that sort of man when he grows up, I know, and I told him
so. I said I could not permit him to take so much labour upon himself. I said:
''No; YOU get the paper, and the pencil, and the catalogue, and George write
down, and I'll do the work.''
The first list we made out had to be discarded. It was clear that the upper reaches
of the Thames would not allow of the navigation of a boat sufficiently large to
take the things we had set down as indispensable; so we tore the list up, and looked
at one another!
''You know we are on a wrong track altogether. We must not think of the things
we could do with, but only of the things that we can't do without.''
George comes out really quite sensible at times. You'd be surprised. I call that
downright wisdom, not merely as regards the present case, but with reference to
our trip up the river of life, generally. How many people, on that voyage, load
up the boat till it is ever in danger of swamping with a store of foolish things
which they think essential to the pleasure and comfort of the trip, but which are
really only useless lumber.
How they pile the poor little craft mast-high with fine clothes and big houses;
with useless servants, and a host of swell friends that do not care twopence for
them, and that they do not care three ha'pence for; with expensive entertainments
that nobody enjoys, with formalities and fashions, with pretence and ostentation,
and with – oh, heaviest, maddest lumber of all! – the dread of what will my neighbour
think, with luxuries that only cloy, with pleasures that bore, with empty show that,
like the criminal's iron crown of yore, makes to bleed and swoon the aching head
that wears it!
It is lumber, man – all lumber! Throw it overboard. It makes the boat so heavy
to pull, you nearly faint at the oars. It makes it so cumbersome and dangerous to
manage, you never know a moment's freedom from anxiety and care, never gain a moment's
rest for dreamy laziness – no time to watch the windy shadows skimming lightly o'er
the shallows, or the glittering sunbeams flitting in and out among the ripples,
or the great trees by the margin looking down at their own image, or the woods all
green and golden, or the lilies white and yellow, or the sombre– waving rushes,
or the sedges, or the orchis, or the blue forget-me-nots.
Throw the lumber over, man! Let your boat of life be light, packed with only
what you need – a homely home and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the
name, someone to love and someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two,
enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst
is a dangerous thing.
You will find the boat easier to pull then, and it will not be so liable to upset,
and it will not matter so much if it does upset; good, plain merchandise will stand
water. You will have time to think as well as to work. Time to drink in life's sunshine
– time to listen to the AEolian music that the wind of God draws from the human
heart-strings around us – time to –
I beg your pardon, really. I quite forgot.