''You could put a whole regiment of Dicks on my back without making me feel any
better. I know just enough to be uncomfortable, and not enough to go on in spite
''We do not understand,'' said the bullocks.
''I know you don't. I'm not talking to you. You don't know what blood is.''
''We do,'' said the bullocks. ''It is red stuff that soaks into the ground and
The troop-horse gave a kick and a bound and a snort.
''Don't talk of it,'' he said. ''I can smell it now, just thinking of it. It
makes me want to run-when I haven't Dick on my back.''
''But it is not here,'' said the camel and the bullocks. ''Why are you so stupid?''
''It's vile stuff,'' said Billy. ''I don't want to run, but I don't want to talk
''There you are!'' said Two Tails, waving his tail to explain.
''Surely. Yes, we have been here all night,'' said the bullocks.
Two Tails stamped his foot till the iron ring on it jingled. ''Oh, I'm not talking
to you. You can't see inside your heads.''
''No. We see out of our four eyes,'' said the bullocks. ''We see straight in
front of us.''
''If I could do that and nothing else, you wouldn't be needed to pull the big
guns at all. If I was like my captain-he can see things inside his head before the
firing begins, and he shakes all over, but he knows too much to run away-if I was
like him I could pull the guns. But if I were as wise as all that I should never
be here. I should be a king in the forest, as I used to be, sleeping half the day
and bathing when I liked. I haven't had a good bath for a month.''
''That's all very fine,'' said Billy. ''But giving a thing a long name doesn't
make it any better.''
''H'sh!'' said the troop horse. ''I think I understand what Two Tails means.''
''You'll understand better in a minute,'' said Two Tails angrily. ''Now you just
explain to me why you don't like this!''
He began trumpeting furiously at the top of his trumpet.
''Stop that!'' said Billy and the troop horse together, and I could hear them
stamp and shiver. An elephant's trumpeting is always nasty, especially on a dark
''I shan't stop,'' said Two Tails. ''Won't you explain that, please? Hhrrmph!
Rrrt! Rrrmph! Rrrhha!'' Then he stopped suddenly, and I heard a little whimper in
the dark, and knew that Vixen had found me at last. She knew as well as I did that
if there is one thing in the world the elephant is more afraid of than another it
is a little barking dog. So she stopped to bully Two Tails in his pickets, and yapped
round his big feet. Two Tails shuffled and squeaked. ''Go away, little dog!'' he
said. ''Don't snuff at my ankles, or I'll kick at you. Good little dog –nice little
doggie, then! Go home, you yelping little beast! Oh, why doesn't someone take her
away? She'll bite me in a minute.''
''Seems to me,'' said Billy to the troop horse, ''that our friend Two Tails is
afraid of most things. Now, if I had a full meal for every dog I've kicked across
the parade-ground I should be as fat as Two Tails nearly.''
I whistled, and Vixen ran up to me, muddy all over, and licked my nose, and told
me a long tale about hunting for me all through the camp. I never let her know that
I understood beast talk, or she would have taken all sorts of liberties. So I buttoned
her into the breast of my overcoat, and Two Tails shuffled and stamped and growled
''Extraordinary! Most extraordinary!'' he said. ''It runs in our family. Now,
where has that nasty little beast gone to?''
I heard him feeling about with his trunk.
''We all seem to be affected in various ways,'' he went on, blowing his nose.
''Now, you gentlemen were alarmed, I believe, when I trumpeted.''
''Not alarmed, exactly,'' said the troop-horse, ''but it made me feel as though
I had hornets where my saddle ought to be. Don't begin again.''
''I'm frightened of a little dog, and the camel here is frightened by bad dreams
in the night.''
''It is very lucky for us that we haven't all got to fight in the same way,''
said the troop-horse.
''What I want to know,'' said the young mule, who had been quiet for a long time-''what
I want to know is, why we have to fight at all.''
''Because we're told to,'' said the troop-horse, with a snort of contempt.
''Orders,'' said Billy the mule, and his teeth snapped.
''Hukm hai!'' (It is an order!), said the camel with a gurgle, and Two Tails
and the bullocks repeated, ''Hukm hai!''
''Yes, but who gives the orders?'' said the recruit-mule.
''The man who walks at your head-Or sits on your back-Or holds the nose rope-Or
twists your tail,'' said Billy and the troop-horse and the camel and the bullocks
one after the other.
''But who gives them the orders?''
''Now you want to know too much, young un,'' said Billy, ''and that is one way
of getting kicked. All you have to do is to obey the man at your head and ask no
''He's quite right,'' said Two Tails. ''I can't always obey, because I'm betwixt
and between. But Billy's right. Obey the man next to you who gives the order, or
you'll stop all the battery, besides getting a thrashing.''
The gun-bullocks got up to go. ''Morning is coming,'' they said. ''We will go
back to our lines. It is true that we only see out of our eyes, and we are not very
clever. But still, we are the only people to-night who have not been afraid. Good-night,
you brave people.''
Nobody answered, and the troop-horse said, to change the conversation, ''Where's
that little dog? A dog means a man somewhere about.''
''Here I am,'' yapped Vixen, ''under the gun tail with my man. You big, blundering
beast of a camel you, you upset our tent. My man's very angry.''
''Phew!'' said the bullocks. ''He must be white!''
''Of course he is,'' said Vixen. ''Do you suppose I'm looked after by a black
''Huah! Ouach! Ugh!'' said the bullocks. ''Let us get away quickly.''
They plunged forward in the mud, and managed somehow to run their yoke on the
pole of an ammunition wagon, where it jammed.
''Now you have done it,'' said Billy calmly. ''Don't struggle. You're hung up
till daylight. What on earth's the matter?''
The bullocks went off into the long hissing snorts that Indian cattle give, and
pushed and crowded and slued and stamped and slipped and nearly fell down in the
mud, grunting savagely.
''You'll break your necks in a minute,'' said the troop-horse. ''What's the matter
with white men? I live with 'em.''
''They-eat-us! Pull!'' said the near bullock. The yoke snapped with a twang,
and they lumbered off together.
I never knew before what made Indian cattle so scared of Englishmen. We eat beef-a
thing that no cattle-driver touches –and of course the cattle do not like it.
''May I be flogged with my own pad-chains! Who'd have thought of two big lumps
like those losing their heads?'' said Billy.
''Never mind. I'm going to look at this man. Most of the white men, I know, have
things in their pockets,'' said the troop-horse.
''I'll leave you, then. I can't say I'm over-fond of 'em myself. Besides, white
men who haven't a place to sleep in are more than likely to be thieves, and I've
a good deal of Government property on my back. Come along, young un, and we'll go
back to our lines. Good-night, Australia! See you on parade to-morrow, I suppose.
Good-night, old Hay-bale! - try to control your feelings, won't you? Good-night,
Two Tails! If you pass us on the ground tomorrow, don't trumpet. It spoils our formation.''
Billy the Mule stumped off with the swaggering limp of an old campaigner, as
the troop-horse's head came nuzzling into my breast, and I gave him biscuits, while
Vixen, who is a most conceited little dog, told him fibs about the scores of horses
that she and I kept.
''I'm coming to the parade to-morrow in my dog-cart,'' she said. ''Where will
''On the left hand of the second squadron. I set the time for all my troop, little
lady,'' he said politely. ''Now I must go back to Dick. My tail's all muddy, and
he'll have two hours' hard work dressing me for parade.''
The big parade of all the thirty thousand men was held that afternoon, and Vixen
and I had a good place close to the Viceroy and the Amir of Afghanistan, with high,
big black hat of astrakhan wool and the great diamond star in the center. The first
part of the review was all sunshine, and the regiments went by in wave upon wave
of legs all moving together, and guns all in a line, till our eyes grew dizzy. Then
the cavalry came up, to the beautiful cavalry canter of ''Bonnie Dundee,'' and Vixen
cocked her ear where she sat on the dog-cart. The second squadron of the Lancers
shot by, and there was the troop-horse, with his tail like spun silk, his head pulled
into his breast, one ear forward and one back, setting the time for all his squadron,
his legs going as smoothly as waltz music. Then the big guns came by, and I saw
Two Tails and two other elephants harnessed in line to a forty-pounder siege gun,
while twenty yoke of oxen walked behind. The seventh pair had a new yoke, and they
looked rather stiff and tired. Last came the screw guns, and Billy the mule carried
himself as though he commanded all the troops, and his harness was oiled and polished
till it winked. I gave a cheer all by myself for Billy the mule, but he never looked
right or left.
The rain began to fall again, and for a while it was too misty to see what the
troops were doing. They had made a big half circle across the plain, and were spreading
out into a line. That line grew and grew and grew till it was three-quarters of
a mile long from wing to wing-one solid wall of men, horses, and guns. Then it came
on straight toward the Viceroy and the Amir, and as it got nearer the ground began
to shake, like the deck of a steamer when the engines are going fast.
Unless you have been there you cannot imagine what a frightening effect this
steady come-down of troops has on the spectators, even when they know it is only
a review. I looked at the Amir. Up till then he had not shown the shadow of a sign
of astonishment or anything else. But now his eyes began to get bigger and bigger,
and he picked up the reins on his horse's neck and looked behind him. For a minute
it seemed as though he were going to draw his sword and slash his way out through
the English men and women in the carriages at the back. Then the advance stopped
dead, the ground stood still, the whole line saluted, and thirty bands began to
play all together. That was the end of the review, and the regiments went off to
their camps in the rain, and an infantry band struck up with -
The animals went in two by two,
The animals went in two by two,
The elephant and the battery mul',
and they all got into the Ark
For to get out of the rain!
Then I heard an old grizzled, long-haired Central Asian chief, who had come down
with the Amir, asking questions of a native officer.
''Now,'' said he, ''in what manner was this wonderful thing done?''
And the officer answered, ''An order was given, and they obeyed.''
''But are the beasts as wise as the men?'' said the chief.
''They obey, as the men do. Mule, horse, elephant, or bullock, he obeys his driver,
and the driver his sergeant, and the sergeant his lieutenant, and the lieutenant
his captain, and the captain his major, and the major his colonel, and the colonel
his brigadier commanding three regiments, and the brigadier the general, who obeys
the Viceroy, who is the servant of the Empress. Thus it is done.''
''Would it were so in Afghanistan!'' said the chief, ''for there we obey only
our own wills.''
''And for that reason,'' said the native officer, twirling his mustache, ''your
Amir whom you do not obey must come here and take orders from our Viceroy.''
Parade Song of the Camp Animals
ELEPHANTS OF THE GUN TEAMS
We lent to Alexander the strength of Hercules,
The wisdom of our foreheads, the cunning of our knees;
We bowed our necks to service: they ne'er were loosed again,–
Make way there-way for the ten-foot teams
Of the Forty-Pounder train!
Those heroes in their harnesses avoid a cannon-ball,
And what they know of powder upsets them one and all;
Then we come into action and tug the guns again–
Make way there-way for the twenty yoke
Of the Forty-Pounder train!
By the brand on my shoulder, the finest of tunes
Is played by the Lancers, Hussars, and Dragoons,
And it's sweeter than ''Stables'' or ''Water'' to me–
The Cavalry Canter of ''Bonnie Dundee''!