The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman utteredthis last sentence was not wholly unwarranted; for Mr. Pickwick'sface had settled down into an expression of blank amazementand perplexity, quite curious to behold.

'Snodgrass!-since last Christmas!' were the first brokenwords that issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman.

'Since last Christmas,' replied Wardle; 'that's plain enough,and very bad spectacles we must have worn, not to have discoveredit before.'

'I don't understand it,' said Mr. Pickwick, ruminating; 'Icannot really understand it.'

'It's easy enough to understand it,' replied the choleric oldgentleman. 'If you had been a younger man, you would havebeen in the secret long ago; and besides,' added Wardle, after amoment's hesitation, 'the truth is, that, knowing nothing of thismatter, I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past,to receive favourably (if she could; I would never attempt toforce a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a young gentlemandown in our neighbourhood. I have no doubt that, girl-like, toenhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr. Snodgrass,she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and thatthey have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly-persecuted pair of unfortunates, and have no resource butclandestine matrimony, or charcoal. Now the question is, what'sto be done?'

'What have YOU done?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

'I!'

'I mean what did you do when your married daughter toldyou this?'

'Oh, I made a fool of myself of course,' rejoined Wardle.

'Just so,' interposed Perker, who had accompanied thisdialogue with sundry twitchings of his watch-chain, vindictiverubbings of his nose, and other symptoms of impatience. 'That'svery natural; but how?'

'I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into afit,' said Wardle.

'That was judicious,' remarked Perker; 'and what else?'

'I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great disturbance,'rejoined the old gentleman. 'At last I got tired of rendering myselfunpleasant and making everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage atMuggleton, and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, underpretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella.'

'Miss Wardle is with you, then?' said Mr. Pickwick.

'To be sure she is,' replied Wardle. 'She is at Osborne's Hotelin the Adelphi at this moment, unless your enterprising friendhas run away with her since I came out this morning.'

'You are reconciled then?' said Perker.

'Not a bit of it,' answered Wardle; 'she has been crying andmoping ever since, except last night, between tea and supper,when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretendedto take no notice of.'

'You want my advice in this matter, I suppose?' said Perker,looking from the musing face of Mr. Pickwick to the eagercountenance of Wardle, and taking several consecutive pinchesof his favourite stimulant.

'I suppose so,' said Wardle, looking at Mr. Pickwick.

'Certainly,' replied that gentleman.

'Well then,' said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back,'my advice is, that you both walk away together, or ride away, orget away by some means or other, for I'm tired of you, and justtalk this matter over between you. If you have not settled it bythe next time I see you, I'll tell you what to do.'

'This is satisfactory,' said Wardle, hardly knowing whether tosmile or be offended.

'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' returned Perker. 'I know you both agreat deal better than you know yourselves. You have settledit already, to all intents and purposes.'

Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff-box first into the chest of Mr. Pickwick, and then into thewaistcoat of Mr. Wardle, upon which they all three laughed,especially the two last-named gentlemen, who at once shookhands again, without any obvious or particular reason.

'You dine with me to-day,' said Wardle to Perker, as heshowed them out.

'Can't promise, my dear Sir, can't promise,' replied Perker.'I'll look in, in the evening, at all events.'

'I shall expect you at five,' said Wardle. 'Now, Joe!' And Joehaving been at length awakened, the two friends departed inMr. Wardle's carriage, which in common humanity had a dickeybehind for the fat boy, who, if there had been a footboardinstead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap.

Driving to the George and Vulture, they found that Arabellaand her maid had sent for a hackney-coach immediately on thereceipt of a short note from Emily announcing her arrival intown, and had proceeded straight to the Adelphi. As Wardle hadbusiness to transact in the city, they sent the carriage and the fatboy to his hotel, with the information that he and Mr. Pickwickwould return together to dinner at five o'clock.

Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, slumbering aspeaceably in his dickey, over the stones, as if it had been a downbed on watch springs. By some extraordinary miracle he awokeof his own accord, when the coach stopped, and giving himselfa good shake to stir up his faculties, went upstairs to executehis commission.

Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's facultiestogether, instead of arranging them in proper order, or hadroused such a quantity of new ideas within him as to render himoblivious of ordinary forms and ceremonies, or (which is alsopossible) had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleepas he ascended the stairs, it is an undoubted fact that he walkedinto the sitting-room without previously knocking at the door;and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping his youngmistress's waist, sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa, whileArabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed inlooking out of a window at the other end of the room. At thesight of this phenomenon, the fat boy uttered an interjection,the ladies a scream, and the gentleman an oath, almost simultaneously.

'Wretched creature, what do you want here?' said the gentleman,who it is needless to say was Mr. Snodgrass.

To this the fat boy, considerably terrified, briefly responded, 'Missis.'

'What do you want me for,' inquired Emily, turning her headaside, 'you stupid creature?'

'Master and Mr. Pickwick is a-going to dine here at five,'replied the fat boy.

'Leave the room!' said Mr. Snodgrass, glaring upon thebewildered youth.

'No, no, no,' added Emily hastily. 'Bella, dear, advise me.'

Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella and Mary,crowded into a corner, and conversed earnestly in whispers forsome minutes, during which the fat boy dozed.

'Joe,' said Arabella, at length, looking round with a mostbewitching smile, 'how do you do, Joe?'

'Joe,' said Emily, 'you're a very good boy; I won't forget you, Joe.'

'Joe,' said Mr. Snodgrass, advancing to the astonished youth,and seizing his hand, 'I didn't know you before. There's fiveshillings for you, Joe!"

'I'll owe you five, Joe,' said Arabella, 'for old acquaintancesake, you know;' and another most captivating smile wasbestowed upon the corpulent intruder.

The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked rather puzzledat first to account for this sudden prepossession in his favour,and stared about him in a very alarming manner. At length hisbroad face began to show symptoms of a grin of proportionatelybroad dimensions; and then, thrusting half-a-crown into each ofhis pockets, and a hand and wrist after it, he burst into a horselaugh: being for the first and only time in his existence.

'He understands us, I see,' said Arabella.'He had better have something to eat, immediately,' remarked Emily.

The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion.Mary, after a little more whispering, tripped forth from thegroup and said--

'I am going to dine with you to-day, sir, if you have no objection.'

'This way,' said the fat boy eagerly. 'There is such a jollymeat-pie!'

With these words, the fat boy led the way downstairs; hispretty companion captivating all the waiters and angering all thechambermaids as she followed him to the eating-room.

There was the meat-pie of which the youth had spoken sofeelingly, and there were, moreover, a steak, and a dish ofpotatoes, and a pot of porter.

'Sit down,' said the fat boy. 'Oh, my eye, how prime! I am SO hungry.'

Having apostrophised his eye, in a species of rapture, five orsix times, the youth took the head of the little table, and Maryseated herself at the bottom.

'Will you have some of this?' said the fat boy, plunging intothe pie up to the very ferules of the knife and fork.

'A little, if you please,' replied Mary.

The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself to a greatdeal, and was just going to begin eating when he suddenly laiddown his knife and fork, leaned forward in his chair, and lettinghis hands, with the knife and fork in them, fall on his knees, said,very slowly--

'I say! How nice you look!'

This was said in an admiring manner, and was, so far, gratifying;but still there was enough of the cannibal in the younggentleman's eyes to render the compliment a double one.

'Dear me, Joseph,' said Mary, affecting to blush, 'what do you mean?'

The fat boy, gradually recovering his former position, repliedwith a heavy sigh, and, remaining thoughtful for a few moments,drank a long draught of the porter. Having achieved this feat, hesighed again, and applied himself assiduously to the pie.

'What a nice young lady Miss Emily is!' said Mary, after along silence.

The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He fixed his eyeson Mary, and replied--'I knows a nicerer.'

'Indeed!' said Mary.

'Yes, indeed!' replied the fat boy, with unwonted vivacity.

'What's her name?' inquired Mary.

'What's yours?'

'Mary.'

'So's hers,' said the fat boy. 'You're her.' The boy grinned toadd point to the compliment, and put his eyes into somethingbetween a squint and a cast, which there is reason to believe heintended for an ogle.

'You mustn't talk to me in that way,' said Mary; 'you don'tmean it.'

'Don't I, though?' replied the fat boy. 'I say?'

'Well?'

'Are you going to come here regular?'

'No,' rejoined Mary, shaking her head, 'I'm going away againto-night. Why?'

'Oh,' said the fat boy, in a tone of strong feeling; 'how weshould have enjoyed ourselves at meals, if you had been!'

'I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see you,' saidMary, plaiting the table-cloth in assumed coyness, 'if you woulddo me a favour.'

The fat boy looked from the pie-dish to the steak, as if hethought a favour must be in a manner connected with somethingto eat; and then took out one of the half-crowns and glanced atit nervously.

'Don't you understand me?' said Mary, looking slily in his fat face.

Again he looked at the half-crown, and said faintly, 'No.'

'The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentlemanabout the young gentleman having been upstairs; and I wantyou too.'

,is that all?' said the fat boy, evidently very much relieved, ashe pocketed the half-crown again. 'Of course I ain't a-going to.'

'You see,' said Mary, 'Mr. Snodgrass is very fond of MissEmily, and Miss Emily's very fond of him, and if you were to tellabout it, the old gentleman would carry you all away miles intothe country, where you'd see nobody.'

'No, no, I won't tell,' said the fat boy stoutly.

'That's a dear,' said Mary. 'Now it's time I went upstairs, andgot my lady ready for dinner.'

'Don't go yet,' urged the fat boy.

'I must,' replied Mary. 'Good-bye, for the present.'

The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretched out hisarms to ravish a kiss; but as it required no great agility to eludehim, his fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again;upon which the apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak witha sentimental countenance, and fell fast asleep.

There was so much to say upstairs, and there were so manyplans to concert for elopement and matrimony in the event of oldWardle continuing to be cruel, that it wanted only half an hourof dinner when Mr. Snodgrass took his final adieu. The ladies ranto Emily's bedroom to dress, and the lover, taking up his hat,walked out of the room. He had scarcely got outside the door,when he heard Wardle's voice talking loudly, and looking overthe banisters beheld him, followed by some other gentlemen,coming straight upstairs. Knowing nothing of the house, Mr.Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room hehad just quitted, and passing thence into an inner apartment(Mr. Wardle's bedchamber), closed the door softly, just as thepersons he had caught a glimpse of entered the sitting-room.These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle,and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom he had no difficulty in recognisingby their voices.

'Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them,' thoughtMr. Snodgrass with a smile, and walking on tiptoe to anotherdoor near the bedside; 'this opens into the same passage, and Ican walk quietly and comfortably away.'

There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortablyaway, which was that the door was locked and the key gone.

'Let us have some of your best wine to-day, waiter,' said oldWardle, rubbing his hands.

'You shall have some of the very best, sir,' replied the waiter.

Title: The Pickwick Papers
Author: Charles Dickens
Viewed 231124 times

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